Talk for Effect

I just got off the over-night train from Bucharest to Chisinau, Moldova. I shared a compartment with two Moldovans and a Ukrainian. We were all strangers to each other. Only two understood English. One of the Moldovans, Valentine, was the life and light in the carriage. He worked in London in security, clearly below his ability. I understood his English well, but he apologized for his English. It was New Year’s Eve. We celebrated with Champagne in paper cups. There were not many passengers and some carriages were empty. They bought the Moldovan Champagne in the restaurant wagon along with chocolate. Most of the train staff appeared to be partying in the restaurant car. I gave up alcohol twenty-five years ago, but I had champagne in a paper cup to be part of the party.

Now, to the point of the story. Valentine was very understandable with his English but he was less animated when speaking English. He was traveling home from London to Chisinau, the capital of Moldova, by land because he had a fear of flying. I had good conversation with him and he told me about his time in the military, his special forces activities, his youthful body building time, his now broken marriage, his cancer episode, and more. He was very good at communicating. However, when he was talking with the other Moldovan, the communication was electric. This maybe because he was returning home and could speak his native tongue. His conversational excitement kept a personal smile on my face. This is to be noted. A person already familiar to me kept a smile on my face as conversation continued in a language where I understood not a single word.  Never assume that lack of understanding is a barrier. It may be a barrier to logic but not to emotion.

Before I get into the topic matter, I detected that he was giving an inferiority expression when speaking in English as if he was of a lower status to a person from an English speaking Western nation. He was on an equal status and highly competitive with the other Moldovan who also had military and special forces experience.

We discussed some relationship issues. He mentioned that the girls at his work location were in tears when they found out that he was returning to Moldova for an extended vacation. Although he was emotional in his conversation delivery, he was exclusively logical in his analysis of communication.

His job in security might encourage him to be straight faced in employment situations. I suggested to him that he might as well use a smile as his physical stature ensured that nobody was going to mess with him. I explained that the Māoris working in security in Australia were big jovial people with a Rugby player physique. Nobody is going to mess with a Māori security person. Māoris are fearsome looking people, yet they are consistently cheerful and jovial.

He said he had difficulty with the English spoken by some people particularly those with thick accents or who spoke quickly. Irrespective, in Moldovan, he was speaking with confidence and joy whilst in English he was talking as a subordinate employee.

I like to project a show of joyfulness and camaraderie when I talk. It may mean that I have to prepare my mind before entering conversation. I have to put my mind into joyful mode by thinking along the lines: “This is going to be interesting, and if it is not, I shall make it so.” Sometimes, somebody will trip me to see how I handle their awkward question. I then might go into a serious note which might include some of the things I do or have done. I have to level myself with them and out-class them if possible, for they are playing a silly status game. I am a fun loving person. I love the fun emotions going through me. Even in politics, it is not just a matter of running a nation efficiently, there is a ‘happiness quotient’ to consider.

This is a book on smiles and associated emotions rather than a psychology document. The issue of this chapter is to point out that verbal communication has more components than just the words. Your intonation, use of eyes, nods, facial expressions, smile, and possibly more are all part of the communication. You may notice that some music is uplifting. The song seems to increase in some uplifting characteristic as the song progresses. It is similar for speech.

Another characteristic of speech is that we don’t know what words are going to come out of our mouth before they are spoken. I can tell my brain not to use swear words or use simple English when talking to foreigners, but I do not know what words will come out until I hear them. It may be that we remember what we said not from the generation of the words but from listening to what we said. I am mentioning this as trying to pre-plan your words will possibly cause you to stutter or falter. If I have to plan a talk say as a teacher or at a meeting, I can make sure that I know the subject with particular attention to the key points, but then when delivering the talk, I let the words flow. Before an audience, it may be better not to look at the eyes of individuals. However, I often look into the eyes of as many people as I can before I speak. Whilst speaking, it is often better to avoid eyes, but if you are getting into the swing of the talk, looking into eyes can be helpful.

Irrespective, we still do not know what words will come from mouths until they are uttered.

In greetings, I generally rely on a mild smile expression. This can be activated by thinking: “I will make this interaction interesting.” We have only had speech for around seventy-thousand years. Before then, you and I had to get on without words. We can still rely on instinctive behaviour to initiate a communication. Words then become secondary communication.